January 1st, 2008. DRUNK.

I will just start off by saying that while trying to Post this new blog I:
a. knocked over my mirror.
b. spelled my log in name wrong approx 3 times (it is my own name)
4. spelled January wrong like nine time until finally just using spell check....

Hell, typing the last 25 words was like a one legged man in ass kicking contest. I was sweating just trying to get the words out and spelled right.

I am wasted.
went out for the New Year.
Got Hammered,
Threw up twice.
have a spinning headache (that is why I am NOT laying down)
and thought typing would be a piece of cake.

Why do we think these things.

2007 was absolutely nuts. hard. crazy. unexpected. funny....and all those crazy things you say when a year goes by that was completely out of control, up and down, hard and all in between.

My dad is dying.
My Mom is crazy.
My brother is 2 years sober.
I was laid off.
Lost friends.
Found Friends.

All that is just pennies to my dad being sick. I am so sad at the thought of losing him.

Yes, the alcohol pouring through my veins is a factor in this but I really can't help to say it right now. And this blog, as corny as it may be, feels like a soft pillow of relief to my spinning head. And even though it goes to no one, I feel at least I can get what I feel at this moment off my chest.

I miss him so much. I am lost. I am so lucky to have had such a magnificent man in my life who was nothing short of a saint. Never asked for a thing. And most importantly, dealt with my sick mom.

I hope one day I can have kids and love them. Love them til they know nothing else. Love them so they feel safe and know that they can go out in this world and conquer whatever comes their way. Because, as selfish as this is, and I know it is beyond selfish....I wish I had that. i wish I felt safe out there. I wish I felt that no matter what, I could come home to that.

I love you dad. I love you so much that my bones ache. I love you so much and wish that you didn't have to suffer a day more. I want to make every little last hair on your body be safe and feel loved. I know you don't feel that way with her around and are so scared but one day God will let you know that I love you. I wish there were enough words to tell you this. I know my calls and visits won't be nearly enough.

I just love you so much. I hope that when you finally reach those pearly gates you can look up and see the statute they have of you. Because you truly are a saint.

I hate to see you go and I will miss you so much. But obviously God has other plans.

You are loved. You are truly loved.

Thank you alcohol for letting me be able to write all of this.

Thank you alcohol for allowing me to make it through another New Year's....

TO DAD....

Love,
Your Daughter,